i need an iv and a liver transplant
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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