hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
