I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
