he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
