i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
