ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
