I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I have post one night stand depression
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