im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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