i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
