opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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