I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
