i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
