Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
