you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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