$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I understand Curling. That high.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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