I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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