what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
