I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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