I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
