Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
