oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
