im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
