Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
