so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
