I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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