Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
