Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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