first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
