i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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