apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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