Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
