I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
