And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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