omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
