Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
