is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
