dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
