i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
