We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
