cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
