I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
