i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
