why didn't you poke me back
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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