Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
