I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
