I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
