i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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