Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
