Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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