In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
