see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
don't judge my taste in strippers
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
