I feel like abortions should bother me more
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
